While my bad news is nothing compared to what’s coming out of Washington,Iran, China, Russia, Ukraine, and much of Africa, it hurts me, bigly,  Lucky for you, it affects me … .but no one else. 

Here’s the backstory: In the 15 years that I have ‘biked my age,’ I have exceeded the required distance every year.  For example, the year I turned 77, I biked 83 miles, giving me six “Surplus Miles.”  And three times–on my birthdays in 2011, 2014 and last year–I biked a Century, at least 100 miles.  

In all, I have biked 106.78 “Surplus Miles.” 

Knowing I had all those miles in my pocket, I had no problem guaranteeing that I would bike 85 miles this year. So, when I asked everyone to donate to the Island Housing Trust so it could continue to build affordable, attainable housing for the men and women who keep Martha’s Vineyard running, and their families, I “boldly” offered to match their donations if I did not make it.

I went so far as to GUARANTEE to four different groups that I would personally donate $8500 of my own money to IHT if I didn’t bike 85 miles. That’s $34,000 I‘m committed to donate if I don’t bike 85 miles.  Sounds impressive, right?  

But because I have those 106.78 “Surplus Miles,” I figured I wouldn’t even have to get out of bed–let alone get on my bike–this birthday!!  Talk about a safe bet! 

So a few weeks ago I filed a petition with ABBA, the Annual Birthday Bikers Association, for permission to count 85 of my 106.78 “Surplus Miles” toward this year’s goal.  

 The organization does have some strict rules, such as 

1) No Performance-Enhancing Drugs; 

2) Only One 15-minute Nap During the Ride; and 

3) No Sex During the Ride.

But, those Draconian rules to the contrary notwithstanding, I fully expected ABBA would reward past performances by allowing “Surplus Miles” to be counted in the future.

ABBA’s decision just came down, and I am devastated: PERMISSION DENIED!  With no possibility of appeal, and so that means I have to bike the entire 85 miles…or pay $34,000 to IHT. 

What makes this even worse is that ABBA doesn’t exist!  It is a fabrication, completely imaginary.  But it’s MY fabrication!  I created ABBA, just made it up, out of whole cloth. It doesn’t exist, although I have written extensively about it here, here, here, and here. 

Sometime, somehow, in the last three or four months Artificial Intelligence took over MY completely imaginary, non-existent organization and made it real. AI filed incorporation papers in Stockholm, Sweden, and ABBA now has a Board of Directors, non-profit tax status, membership rules, and an Executive Director, Christina Karlsson, who rejected my petition.  AI has even given ABBA a theme song, “The Winner Takes It All.”

(If you believe what you’ve just read and want to make me pay $34,000, click this link and donate $85 (or more) to the Island Housing Trust.)

(If you do not believe a single word of it, you’re still in luck, because your donations to IHT will also be accepted.)