(NOTE TO READER: THIS MISSIVE WAS GENERATED BY AI AND CONTAINS NUMEROUS HALLUCINATIONS AND FABRICATIONS. READER CAUTION IS ADVISED.)

Friends,

Some calm morning in the next few days I will once again attempt to “bike my age.”  ​And while I’ve been successful for the past 14 years, it will be tougher this time​, ​because the ride is longer– 84​ miles–and I am a year older and slower​. That’s the bad news, but I have THREE pieces of good news.

One, for the first time, I have sponsors to help defray the costs of the ride. That’s right, Viagra and Rogaine,  products whose utility I can vouch for, have signed on, and I will be wearing their jerseys at different times during the ride.   The bright yellow Viagra jersey with the upright arrow should be easy to spot. 

(I was approached for sponsorship by another product you may have heard about, Depends.  I told them, “Not this year, but check back!”)

And, two, my ride will be live-streamed on YouTube’s AAA Channel, the ‘aging amateur athlete’ showcase.  I believe it’s Channel 1273 on YouTube.  They will launch their drone when I begin my ride and track my progress throughout the day.  I know YouTube is hoping for viewership in the high two figures, so please try to tune in.

Three, my effort is once again sanctioned by ABBA, the Annual Birthday Bikers Association (based in Stockholm).  I will adhere to the rules: One 15-minute nap with no pillow; no Performance-Enhancing Drugs (PEDs); and no sex during the ride.  One becomes eligible for an ABBA upon reaching the age of 70, which is when I began pursuing my dream.

If I am successful, this will mark FIFTEEN years in a row that I have ‘biked my age.’  That may sound impressive, but it’s actually an incredible TEN years shy of the ABBA record, which is held by the late Martin ‘Musclehead’ Marston of Minnesota.  That’s right, he biked his age when he was 94 years old, for the 25th time in a row, a record that will probably never be broken.

Sadly, Musclehead went to his grave claiming that he had also biked his age on his 95th birthday, but ABBA rejected his claim.  It’s an interesting if tragic story.  Confident to the point of arrogance, Musclehead set off to ride 95 miles on his 95th birthday wearing nothing but bike shoes and a jockstrap. After 30 miles he was pulled over by police and charged with indecent exposure.  Hauled off to jail, he persuaded the officers to let him use a stationary bike, on which he claimed to have biked an additional 65 miles.  Unfortunately for Musclehead, ABBA’s rules specifically prohibit using a stationary bike.

When he was taken before the magistrate that afternoon, she asked if he pleaded guilty to indecent exposure. Musclehead is said to have guffawed and blurted out, “Indecent?  Who are you kidding! Don’t these look pretty decent?”  And with that he began to strip.  The magistrate sentenced him to 30 days in solitary confinement.  And here the story takes a tragic turn, because the famously stubborn Musclehead refused to ask for medical treatment for the chapping and open blisters he got while biking in a jockstrap. These became infected, and Musclehead died while in solitary confinement. 

He is commemorated in the ABBA Hall of Fame, the only person to have biked their age for 25 consecutive years.  RIP, Musclehead, and don’t worry: I don’t expect to threaten your remarkable record. 

But, friends,  I would like your help in making it to 15 years in a row. I’m asking you to contribute $84, $840, $8400 or more, to either the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) or World Central Kitchen, two invaluable non-profit organizations. 

You can help the ACLU and WCK by supporting my ride.  And, while past performance is no guarantee of future results, I am feeling pretty good about my chances.  I hope I don’t jinx myself, but I am feeling so confident that, if I cannot complete the 84-mile ride, I will personally fulfill YOUR pledge.**

And, finally,  if you’d like to join me for part of the ride, or if you want to receive updates on ride day, please text me at 646.373.3034, and I will add you to the chain.

** Subject to Trump’s tariffs and the approval of my wife and our financial advisor