BIKING MY AGE (AND THEN SOME)

I completed my ABBA-sanctioned ride and have now ‘biked my age’ for 15 consecutive years.  My goal was 84 miles, but I ended up biking 101 miles, my first Century in a dozen or more years.

Those of you who were planning to donate to the Island Housing Trust, the American Civil Liberties Union, World Central Kitchen, PBS, or Senator Chris Murphy’s American Mobilization effort, please consider writing a bigger check.

I don’t know how many of you were able to watch the live-streaming on YouTube’s ‘Aging Amateur Athletes’ channel, but I gather there were some technical difficulties. For one thing, I biked in dense fog from 5:15 AM until about 7:30, which means I was invisible, despite the bright yellow Viagra biking jersey.  Also, drone coverage was suspended whenever I was within 1/4 mile of an airport, for reasons of national security.  We have two airports here, and I biked by them at least 8 times during the ride, leading YouTube to switch to a rerun of Oscar Levitan’s marathon one-arm Plank from 2023, when he set a world record of 8 hours and 36 minutes.  Still, the world-wide audience for my ride climbed into the high two figures and came within a whisper of an audience of 100.

I averaged 13 miles per hour, 52,345 revolutions, and a EE/RC ratio of .0001, which I believe is an ABBA record.  Perfection is a flat zero, meaning that one’s “Energy Expenditure” is perfectly matched with “Rider Comfort.” 

I am proud to say that I served my country during my 101-mile ride. At the request of NASA, two small ergometric chips were implanted in my two large toenails, to measure energy output. The conventional wisdom is that arm and leg energy output are similar, but the safety of our Astronauts depends on getting that right.  Apparently, the final ‘fail safe’ disaster system on Musk’s Space-X rockets, should all other systems fail, involves deploying high tech ‘space oars,’ which the Astronauts will then pedal to direct the rocket into position for re-entry.  It’s essential that the Astronauts pedal with the exact same energy, which is why NASA asked to implant the chips.  I hope we never find out if that system works, but if it does, I will have done my part.

ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT

(NOTE TO READER: THIS MISSIVE WAS GENERATED BY AI AND CONTAINS NUMEROUS HALLUCINATIONS AND FABRICATIONS. READER CAUTION IS ADVISED.)

Friends,

Some calm morning in the next few days I will once again attempt to “bike my age.”  ​And while I’ve been successful for the past 14 years, it will be tougher this time​, ​because the ride is longer– 84​ miles–and I am a year older and slower​. That’s the bad news, but I have THREE pieces of good news.

One, for the first time, I have sponsors to help defray the costs of the ride. That’s right, Viagra and Rogaine,  products whose utility I can vouch for, have signed on, and I will be wearing their jerseys at different times during the ride.   The bright yellow Viagra jersey with the upright arrow should be easy to spot. 

(I was approached for sponsorship by another product you may have heard about, Depends.  I told them, “Not this year, but check back!”)

And, two, my ride will be live-streamed on YouTube’s AAA Channel, the ‘aging amateur athlete’ showcase.  I believe it’s Channel 1273 on YouTube.  They will launch their drone when I begin my ride and track my progress throughout the day.  I know YouTube is hoping for viewership in the high two figures, so please try to tune in.

Three, my effort is once again sanctioned by ABBA, the Annual Birthday Bikers Association (based in Stockholm).  I will adhere to the rules: One 15-minute nap with no pillow; no Performance-Enhancing Drugs (PEDs); and no sex during the ride.  One becomes eligible for an ABBA upon reaching the age of 70, which is when I began pursuing my dream.

If I am successful, this will mark FIFTEEN years in a row that I have ‘biked my age.’  That may sound impressive, but it’s actually an incredible TEN years shy of the ABBA record, which is held by the late Martin ‘Musclehead’ Marston of Minnesota.  That’s right, he biked his age when he was 94 years old, for the 25th time in a row, a record that will probably never be broken.

Sadly, Musclehead went to his grave claiming that he had also biked his age on his 95th birthday, but ABBA rejected his claim.  It’s an interesting if tragic story.  Confident to the point of arrogance, Musclehead set off to ride 95 miles on his 95th birthday wearing nothing but bike shoes and a jockstrap. After 30 miles he was pulled over by police and charged with indecent exposure.  Hauled off to jail, he persuaded the officers to let him use a stationary bike, on which he claimed to have biked an additional 65 miles.  Unfortunately for Musclehead, ABBA’s rules specifically prohibit using a stationary bike.

When he was taken before the magistrate that afternoon, she asked if he pleaded guilty to indecent exposure. Musclehead is said to have guffawed and blurted out, “Indecent?  Who are you kidding! Don’t these look pretty decent?”  And with that he began to strip.  The magistrate sentenced him to 30 days in solitary confinement.  And here the story takes a tragic turn, because the famously stubborn Musclehead refused to ask for medical treatment for the chapping and open blisters he got while biking in a jockstrap. These became infected, and Musclehead died while in solitary confinement. 

He is commemorated in the ABBA Hall of Fame, the only person to have biked their age for 25 consecutive years.  RIP, Musclehead, and don’t worry: I don’t expect to threaten your remarkable record. 

But, friends,  I would like your help in making it to 15 years in a row. I’m asking you to contribute $84, $840, $8400 or more, to either the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) or World Central Kitchen, two invaluable non-profit organizations. 

You can help the ACLU and WCK by supporting my ride.  And, while past performance is no guarantee of future results, I am feeling pretty good about my chances.  I hope I don’t jinx myself, but I am feeling so confident that, if I cannot complete the 84-mile ride, I will personally fulfill YOUR pledge.**

And, finally,  if you’d like to join me for part of the ride, or if you want to receive updates on ride day, please text me at 646.373.3034, and I will add you to the chain.

** Subject to Trump’s tariffs and the approval of my wife and our financial advisor

What’s YOUR ‘Side Hustle’?

“Tell me what human behavior dogs pay the most attention to,” said the man we had hired to train our newly rescued dog.   “Our tone of voice,” I answered, while my wife said she thought it might be body language.  “It’s body language,” he said. “Dogs are acutely aware of how you stand, how you move, and how you look at them. That’s more important than your tone of voice.  It’s true for dogs, and it’s also true for my middle school students,” he said, smiling.

“What, wait.  You’re a teacher?” I blurted.  He smiled.  “Eighteen years and counting. Training dogs–training their owners, actually–that’s my side hustle.”

He’s not alone in having a side hustle.  Somewhere between 33 and 40 percent of adult Americans have second,  part-time paying jobs. As the economic picture darkens and the price of food and other essential goods rises, more of us may be seeking side hustles.  (Another five per cent of the labor force–nearly 9,000,000 Americans–are holding down two full time jobs.) 

The term our dog trainer used, “side hustle,” may sound kind of sneaky, but it’s an honorable term for a second source of income.  Your Uber, Lyft, or DoorDash drivers may be on their side hustle, driving during their free time to make ends meet.  A few months ago at dinner, we discovered that our waitress taught Second Grade during the day; waiting tables was her side hustle.   When I mentioned side hustles to someone on Martha’s Vineyard, (MA), where I live, he became exasperated. “Just about everyone I know on this island has at least one part-time job, maybe two, because otherwise it’s impossible to make ends meet.”  That’s apparently true across most of the United States, as the income gap widens, because the number of people holding down second jobs has reached levels not seen since the ‘Great Recession’ of 2009.

Not surprisingly, well-to-do Americans have their own variation of the side hustle: Investments.  Doctors, lawyers, business executives, and other white-collar workers rarely have to hold down part-time jobs, because their side hustle is Wall Street.  About 60% of households with 6-figure incomes own stocks and bonds, a second source of support which doesn’t require any heavy lifting.

A few side hustles seem to grow naturally from one’s day job. For example, when I was reporting on public education for PBS and NPR, my (modest) presence on air led to invitations to speak, for (modest) amounts of money.  

However, most side hustles are opportunistic, not organic.  People do what they have to do to support themselves and their families.  

Some side hustles are illegal and/or unethical. Here’s one example: Recently my wife and I returned from Miami to LaGuardia Airport in New York City. Because of Elon Musk’s Starship rocket explosion, our flight was delayed and did not land until 4AM. When I asked the cab driver what the fare would be, he said, “If you pay cash, it’s $60.” He then proceeded to drive into Manhattan on the only route that is toll-free. Exhausted though I was, I noticed that the meter was off, so his side hustle was a fare that his Yellow Cab company would never learn about.

Most side hustles are legal.  When we visited Cuba in February, literally everyone we spoke with had some sort of side hustle.  The coffee farmers we met were required to sell 90% of their raw beans to the Cuban government, but the 10% they were allowed to keep sometimes amounted to 13 or 14%, we were told. They roasted those beans and sold them at their home and a roadside stand. They welcomed visitors like us, and we bought their products.  Our guide had his own side hustle, flying to Miami or Mexico City at least once a month with a list of auto parts he knew he could sell–at a profit.  (Half of his side hustle may now be history, because the Trump administration has banned Cubans from traveling to the US.)

We found a striking example of a side hustle at a state-owned cigar factory in Havana, where workers hand-rolled anywhere from 100 to 135 Cuban cigars every day, five days a week.  For this work, they were paid only 10,000 pesos, approximately $30, but they also participated in a state-sponsored side hustle: Each worker got 5 hand-rolled Cuban cigars a day to take home.  On our way into the factory, someone offered me 5 cigars for $30, and the same thing happened on the way out.  Those would-be sellers, our guide told us, were cigar rollers on their break. In short, they work 20 days a month for $30 and 100 cigars, meaning their side hustle can bring in an additional $600.  That’s unusual, because most side hustles provide supplemental income, not the lion’s share.  Apparently the Cuban government is tacitly acknowledging that its system of socialist control does not work, and it’s making adjustments to try to stay in power.

One  job whose very nature would seem to preclude having a side hustle is that of President of the United States, whose responsibility it is to “preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”  While that ought to be an all-consuming job, the current occupant of the White House turns out to have something in common with those Cuban cigar rollers: his side hustles rake in a lot more money than his day job.  Although we pay him $400,000 a year, he pulled in an estimated $9.2 million last year from bitcoin transfers, from business executives eager to meet with him, from Secret Service payments to his hotels when he’s golfing, diplomatic payments to his properties, and on and on.  The ‘Donald J. Trump for President’ Committee spent more than$5 million at his hotels.  This isn’t new, of course: During his first term, it’s estimated that his side hustles brought in nearly $14 million, and, when his family is included, the estimate jumps to a staggering $160 million.

But unlike Donald Trump, the Cuban cigar rollers are doing the job they were hired to do. By contrast, the current President of the United States seems to spend most of his working hours posting on his Truth Social app, holding court with fawning admirers, or playing golf.  

And unlike Trump, those Cuban cigar rollers are held accountable. They close their jobs if they don’t perform. He, on the other hand, is paying scant attention to our Constitution–by law his main job–but is not being held to account.

What’s wrong with this picture?

“Biking My Age”

In a few days I will turn 83 and will once again attempt to “Bike My Age,” but here’s a far more urgent issue: Housing insecurity and food insecurity.  Both are significant problems in communities around the world, including the island that Joan and I have retired to, Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts.

Combating HungerWorld Central Kitchen and Feeding America are two notable organizations helping combat food insecurity, and on Martha’s Vineyard our Food Pantry helps hundreds of families. 

Finding a safe, affordable place to live:  Creating affordable (or attainable) housing may be a tougher nut to crack, but here on Martha’s Vineyard the Island Housing Trust has built 156 affordable homes, which it has sold or rented to qualified Islanders, the teachers, health care workers, police and firemen and civil servants (and their children) who keep the island running.  IHT also has 149 new units currently in production.  The need is greater, which means that IHT needs more support.

“Biking My Age:” Some of you may know that every year since I turned 70 in 2011 I have managed to “bike my age.”  For the past few years I’ve asked friends to contribute to a worthy cause, and many of you have.  In a few days I will turn 83 and will try to bike 83 miles.   If I make it, I hope each of you will contribute $8300000000000 to the Island Housing Trust–leaving the placement of the decimal point up to each donor.

It is very, very easy to make a tax-deductible donation with a credit card or PayPal.  Just click here

Although I have managed to “Bike My Age” for the past 13 years, I am now a year older with a lot more aches and creaks, and the distance has increased by another mile.  Which means that what stockbrokers say about investing in the market is equally true about biking one’s age: “Past performance is no guarantee of future results.”  

If you’re looking for a reason to make a charitable, tax-deductible gift, here it is.  If you’re rooting for me, please support IHT.

And if you’d like to join me for part of the ride, or if you want to keep apprised of my progress (or lack thereof), please text me at 646.373.3034.

And thanks very much…..